How to Deal with Family Drama Around the Holidays

The truth is for many people, that the holiday season is not “the most wonderful time of the year”. For many people the holidays bring up a lot of stress, and some people even consider this the most dreadful time of the year. Wherever you fall on this spectrum from wonderful to dreadful- it is important to remember that not all of us feel the same way about these holiday months.

There are many stressors that we face during the holidays, and some people experience this stress more acutely than others. There’s the stress of traveling and the pressure of buying and wrapping gifts. For some, there’s the likelihood of encountering childhood triggers and the fact many family members can’t be in the same room with each other without a fight erupting. For others, the holidays may bring up painful memories of lost loved ones. All things considered, the holidays can be stressful! I wanted to write a little bit here about managing stress surrounding family dysfunction and “drama”. 

While you can’t necessarily stop family drama from happening, there are some key strategies to keep in mind when trying to manage it. 

(1) Have Realistic Expectations

I don’t mean to be pessimistic- but expectations will nearly always lead to disappointment. What is the best predictor of how your family will act this holiday? Usually, it is best to assume that our family will act no differently this year than they have in any years past.

It is not necessarily realistic to expect your family to act differently, even if you personally have done a lot of self-improvement. When we expect our family to be something they are not, we end up suffering great disappointment and pain. There is a lot of power in being able to acknowledge that our family may act in the same unpleasant ways they have in the past, and that is okay. When we accept and embrace the messiness and imperfections of our life and our families, we are able to let go of our desire for perfection, and ultimately enjoy our present moment more fully.

(2) Set Your Boundaries

For some people, time spent with families over the holidays can cause them to feel as helpless as they did as children. But, as adults, we can claim power and authority that we did not have as children. You do not need to be dependent anymore. You can set boundaries to protect your mental health. It is a good idea to determine (before the holidays begin) what you will tolerate and what you won’t. A few examples would be drawing boundaries around sleeping accomodations, meal times, activities, and topics of discussion. It is okay to decide that this year you will stay at a local Airbnb instead of your parent’s house, or that you will only attend for the meal itself. It is okay to ask a family member not to discuss the events that transpired during your teenage years (or whatever painful topic you don’t wish to share). It is absolutely appropriate if any problematic topics or behaviors arise to simply state your boundary, and uphold it as needed.

(3) Use Good Judgement

When the holiday drama sets in, it’s easy to want to drink more or eat more processed foods. But in large amounts, alcohol and processed sugars impair our mood and judgement. Do your best to not overindulge.

You may also want to speak with a therapist in the weeks leading up to the holidays. He or she can give you tools to help you navigate the awkward and tense moments during family get-togethers.

If you’re interested in exploring counseling, please reach out to me. I’d love to help your holidays be, if not merry and bright, at least tolerable!